Starting a new chapter

I intended to post a closing chapter yesterday, but for no good reason at all I just didnt. In any case, I reflect on what I've been thru in 2004. All I can say it was a long year of struggling. I kept the same job, the same shitty apartment, and the same car that finally went to heaven. I can't complain really, but there was/is alot of times when it really seems like I bottom out and I have to ask "why do i still try to deal with this shit?" Back in the day when I was struggling with things in my head, I'd get in the car and end up on the beach. It was something about being on that open water with the seabreeze that just seemed to put me at peace. I think I will start doing that again when I get back on the road. I've made a few friends in 2004, I became closer to a few of them, I lost a few friends or simply created a distance with some of them that I question if they are truly still my friends. As far as family, well, there's only one person who flows the same blood that I can say is there for me. Even tho this person is doing their best to keep going, they still do for me. For that, i'm eternally grateful and I wish there were words or someting I could do to show my gratitude. I pray I'll have that opportunity. Love you.

With the struggle I've gone thru, at the same time of wondering, I learned a few things on being stronger. I've learned a little about compromise. I've learned little on patience, that still needs work. I've also learned how to trust in faith. It's bleak alot of times, but it helps. I've picked up old habits too. Not really bad ones. I always could be found reading a book. Not so much as computer books (those will always be on the bookshelf), but different things. It's just a way to keep me at ease and not really worry about if things will be better next week.

One thing I plan to do before going back to work this week is "cleaning all the slates". I spend alot of time in front of my computer, and pretty much neglect the rest of the house. I look around and think "i need to clean up" but get instantly tired at the thought. I have many things that I dont need or dont use. Yesterday I filled two large garbage bags full of clothes and dropped them off to the salvation army. My mom suggested that I take them to metropolitan ministries, since they give the clothes to those that need them instead of selling them for profit like the salvation army does. I'll do that next time. (once i clean i hope to move, to make the slate even cleaner). I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to my job, so I've chosen an attitude that I'll love the job for the 8 hours that i'm working, and just dont dwell on it afterwards.

And one more thing....over the years my family has pretty much drifted apart. Everybody sort of does their own thing, but we never really do things 'together' like we used to. For christmas we all weren't together. New years it was always a given that the entire family (included extended) would be together to bring in the new year. I miss those times. This would probably be the hardest thing to do, but I'm gonna see if I can make it happen.

Now I have to turn in to get started on new things, such as getting back to church, which I plan to be at in the morning, so with that, I say goodnite.